Sound familiar, anyone? Yup folks, that was from my first post, the eloquently titled ".notitlehere." Yet, I feel myself coming back to that feeling; not such a desperate feeling of forlorne and the overwhelming sense of being overwhelmed, but, it's still there. I feel seriously fucking overwhelmed mentally and even a little physically. Last night was fun at Danny's parents in Dalzell eating homemade lasagna and messing around with a air pump gun, Danny's brother Matt, and Comedy Central. It was so much fun, neither of us worked yesterday, which was a rare, and actually very welcoming sight. It was fun to hang out with Matt, D's older brother, they are such "hooligans",................(is that a word?).
Yesterday morning, Danny and I got up early though, about 6am or so, maybe rolling out of bed around 7am, and went up to Blythewood together for a morning ride on Sasha, a new mare I am schooling now. I am so excited about her, and Danny went up with me to see her.
Below is a show photo of her and her owner/trainer 
She has shown PSG with her current owner, and moves really nicely; however, she has had the summer off, so is out of shape and does not have a lot of strength as a result right now, so I am working on her fitness, topline, and straightness, as of right now, to build her back up again.
I would prefer to hack her out for a few months and get her strong on hills, fields, etc., but they do not have a lot of trails, ( we got lost and ended up on the road *long story there,....ha-ha* from their one trail, so I am not trying that again for now! ) so doing a lot of varied work, trying to get her out on the trail and field they do have to let her have another place to work on other than the ring.
I hate only using a ring all the time 6-7 days a week, for a horses' only training and work area/time; horses will get bored ( not to mention the humans! ), sour, etc. It is nice to be able to take them out around for a gallop or long canter to build them up ( cross-training in a way). So, we'll see about perhaps using a neighboring farm's perimeter as a trail......maybe.
So anyway, Danny came to watch us school that morning, before we headed to Sumter to go to a lunch with Danny's boss and family for a birthday party for his boss's dad. I learned during Sasha and I's warm up that I am way too aware of people, esp. people like Danny, watching me ride, therefore, I ride like shit. Well, not like shit, but close. Our warm up was less than perfect, in my eyes at least. I finally just stopped and while Sasha was taking a walk break, told Danny about what I was feeling.
I get that way during shows too-just kind of the stop thinking and go through things without feel or savvy,......showfright, stagefright, not focusing, too nervous about what others (he) thought of us, how we looked, how I looked, if they/he were disapointed, etc. This stems from a history of feeling like I HAD to do well to justify riding and showing, getting nervous, getting nervous ABOUT getting show nerves, ignoring the fact I had show nerves, etc. whcih I am past,so I need to get over this show nervousness, I have nothing to "prove"; I am a damn good savvy Dressage rider, so I need to ride like one, all the time. That's it. End of story. That is only fair to yourself and your horse.
So, Danny, being the AMAZING, UNDERSTANDING guy he is, said exactly what I have been thinking about having him doing and wanted him to say/do, said " Well, I will just need to come out here and watch you ride all the time, and even video you,etc. etc. b/c you are a damn good rider and you are doing this for a profession, so you need to get over that nerve or loss of focus. You just have to ride them like you know how to do without worrying about what anyone thinks. It's a confidence thing, and you should and need to be confident in what you do professionally!" I could have just jumped off my horse and kissed him.
So, picked her back up, mad at myself ( after apologizing profusely to Danny for riding so badly *he said, nah, didnt look bad, etc. no negativity, just positive 'you can do it' and joking around-which was good for me to freakin' loosen up!!!!* and to Sasha for not getting my ass in gear ), I picked her up, and we finished our work really nicely with some lateral trotwork-half-pass, 10-metre circle to halfpass, s/in, travers, and some nice canter work with some single changes and lateral canterwork-s/in, half-pass. She was right there with me and stayed with me the whole time. It was great. I have to say I was tired by the end of it- nervous energy I know from the beginning.
It was SO very nice to have Danny and his "support aura" sitting there though and then working with him with getting Sasha ready and then cooling her off- I really liked having him around.
I think he enjoyed it too- being in 'my' setting for the morning. We talked about the barn ( which is so nice! ) too, examining the stalls, tack room, loft, etc. and what we liked, what we would do if we had it, what we wanted OUR barn to look like, where to put the attached house on at the barn, etc. etc. It was fun! :)
So, after briefly pointing out the road Sasha and I were lost on as we headed out the drive( still have not driven down that other "got lost on" road completely, but I will! ), we headed back to Sumter, where Danny showed me their latest completed ditch project from last week- impressive!- and we headed to get ready for the lunch thing. I feel energized about ridding myself of this show-people nerves habit I have been in- Danny is so supportive and thought we looked amazing at the end. It is SO nice to hear nice things about my riding, my seat, hands, etc. (From Danny, but also from other Dressage trainers/people, including Susan ).
So today just seemed like a bit of a letdown from yesterday. My back is still not right ( pulled something or a pinched nerve perhaps on the right side of my back- this after Sasha and I's 'adventure' getting lost and getting home the other day,....not sure if they are correlated or perhaps tension from it is there, w/e-), and my hip (right one, of course) is really bothering me. It has for years, but it is just really bad where I am hobbling around for a bit if I try to sit on the floor and get up,....which I was doing this morning- doing Christmas baskets and gifts!-. So, I have been not riding Pokey since last week b/c of my back, so I hate that, not working him, but that will be OK- we'll get back into work with him this week hopefully. But also, I suppose, all this school stuff, my add't. classes for the Fall II semester, have not worked out like I had hoped- or rather, has smoothly as I had hoped. I was put into Philosophy instead of Sociology, so trying to "add" one and so I can then delete the other from my schedule, without penalties, ( hopefully not overpassing the deadline for all of this! ), and then to catch up in Sociology-which Danny said he would help me with as he is very good at Sociology, so not such a worry there, but still I worry about it-, my Sumter class CSCE I have been absent for, for I think 2-3 classes b/c my book ( ordered it online ) was not in, I had the wrong book, so then ordered what I think is the right book, it just came in today. Thought I would catch up really quickly in that, seeing as how I took a very similar web-site building course before in college a few years ago at a different school, but I just skimmed the book chapters to take a look and got totally overwhelmed. So, going to be spending tonight reading that page by page in hopes for Wednesday to be able to catch up with the class???? I will be sending that professor an email about this situation-hopefully he might have mercy? Perhaps. In some good/positive school news, my Biology301 professor is great- very accomodating and understanding. I made a B on the last exam! Whoo-hoo! Now, for the next exam, I plan on aceing it. I will actually study more like I need to for it. Hopefully. I plan on it. Actually, and I also plan on attending the classes for it- provided I do not get in another carwreck before class. I hope I do not at least! Oh well,.....I do feel like that class will go hopefully as I hope- to make an A or A+ for the class grade. That would be a nice change of pace for me and these classes and give me perhaps a little bit of a needed boost in confidence with all of this. In my other classes, right now, I just want to pass. I have that CSCE class, and the soon to be announced Sociology class hopefully, so to pass in those, I would be OK with. B's, nice. A's? perhaps. So, now, I just need to vent to Danny- but the phone is dead. So, I wait. AND, our fridge is full of leftovers, so I cannot exactly cook up something from scratch for dinner, well I could, but it would be impractical, so no stress-reliever there.
Oh well. and did I mention? Our house is a wreck.
Arg. I feel stretched too far and pulled thin.
I need to just take it one step at a time.
One step at a time,.......thank you Tonya.
She has shown PSG with her current owner, and moves really nicely; however, she has had the summer off, so is out of shape and does not have a lot of strength as a result right now, so I am working on her fitness, topline, and straightness, as of right now, to build her back up again.I would prefer to hack her out for a few months and get her strong on hills, fields, etc., but they do not have a lot of trails, ( we got lost and ended up on the road *long story there,....ha-ha* from their one trail, so I am not trying that again for now! ) so doing a lot of varied work, trying to get her out on the trail and field they do have to let her have another place to work on other than the ring.
I hate only using a ring all the time 6-7 days a week, for a horses' only training and work area/time; horses will get bored ( not to mention the humans! ), sour, etc. It is nice to be able to take them out around for a gallop or long canter to build them up ( cross-training in a way). So, we'll see about perhaps using a neighboring farm's perimeter as a trail......maybe.
So anyway, Danny came to watch us school that morning, before we headed to Sumter to go to a lunch with Danny's boss and family for a birthday party for his boss's dad. I learned during Sasha and I's warm up that I am way too aware of people, esp. people like Danny, watching me ride, therefore, I ride like shit. Well, not like shit, but close. Our warm up was less than perfect, in my eyes at least. I finally just stopped and while Sasha was taking a walk break, told Danny about what I was feeling.
I get that way during shows too-just kind of the stop thinking and go through things without feel or savvy,......showfright, stagefright, not focusing, too nervous about what others (he) thought of us, how we looked, how I looked, if they/he were disapointed, etc. This stems from a history of feeling like I HAD to do well to justify riding and showing, getting nervous, getting nervous ABOUT getting show nerves, ignoring the fact I had show nerves, etc. whcih I am past,so I need to get over this show nervousness, I have nothing to "prove"; I am a damn good savvy Dressage rider, so I need to ride like one, all the time. That's it. End of story. That is only fair to yourself and your horse.
So, Danny, being the AMAZING, UNDERSTANDING guy he is, said exactly what I have been thinking about having him doing and wanted him to say/do, said " Well, I will just need to come out here and watch you ride all the time, and even video you,etc. etc. b/c you are a damn good rider and you are doing this for a profession, so you need to get over that nerve or loss of focus. You just have to ride them like you know how to do without worrying about what anyone thinks. It's a confidence thing, and you should and need to be confident in what you do professionally!" I could have just jumped off my horse and kissed him.
So, picked her back up, mad at myself ( after apologizing profusely to Danny for riding so badly *he said, nah, didnt look bad, etc. no negativity, just positive 'you can do it' and joking around-which was good for me to freakin' loosen up!!!!* and to Sasha for not getting my ass in gear ), I picked her up, and we finished our work really nicely with some lateral trotwork-half-pass, 10-metre circle to halfpass, s/in, travers, and some nice canter work with some single changes and lateral canterwork-s/in, half-pass. She was right there with me and stayed with me the whole time. It was great. I have to say I was tired by the end of it- nervous energy I know from the beginning.
It was SO very nice to have Danny and his "support aura" sitting there though and then working with him with getting Sasha ready and then cooling her off- I really liked having him around.
I think he enjoyed it too- being in 'my' setting for the morning. We talked about the barn ( which is so nice! ) too, examining the stalls, tack room, loft, etc. and what we liked, what we would do if we had it, what we wanted OUR barn to look like, where to put the attached house on at the barn, etc. etc. It was fun! :)
So, after briefly pointing out the road Sasha and I were lost on as we headed out the drive( still have not driven down that other "got lost on" road completely, but I will! ), we headed back to Sumter, where Danny showed me their latest completed ditch project from last week- impressive!- and we headed to get ready for the lunch thing. I feel energized about ridding myself of this show-people nerves habit I have been in- Danny is so supportive and thought we looked amazing at the end. It is SO nice to hear nice things about my riding, my seat, hands, etc. (From Danny, but also from other Dressage trainers/people, including Susan ).
So today just seemed like a bit of a letdown from yesterday. My back is still not right ( pulled something or a pinched nerve perhaps on the right side of my back- this after Sasha and I's 'adventure' getting lost and getting home the other day,....not sure if they are correlated or perhaps tension from it is there, w/e-), and my hip (right one, of course) is really bothering me. It has for years, but it is just really bad where I am hobbling around for a bit if I try to sit on the floor and get up,....which I was doing this morning- doing Christmas baskets and gifts!-. So, I have been not riding Pokey since last week b/c of my back, so I hate that, not working him, but that will be OK- we'll get back into work with him this week hopefully. But also, I suppose, all this school stuff, my add't. classes for the Fall II semester, have not worked out like I had hoped- or rather, has smoothly as I had hoped. I was put into Philosophy instead of Sociology, so trying to "add" one and so I can then delete the other from my schedule, without penalties, ( hopefully not overpassing the deadline for all of this! ), and then to catch up in Sociology-which Danny said he would help me with as he is very good at Sociology, so not such a worry there, but still I worry about it-, my Sumter class CSCE I have been absent for, for I think 2-3 classes b/c my book ( ordered it online ) was not in, I had the wrong book, so then ordered what I think is the right book, it just came in today. Thought I would catch up really quickly in that, seeing as how I took a very similar web-site building course before in college a few years ago at a different school, but I just skimmed the book chapters to take a look and got totally overwhelmed. So, going to be spending tonight reading that page by page in hopes for Wednesday to be able to catch up with the class???? I will be sending that professor an email about this situation-hopefully he might have mercy? Perhaps. In some good/positive school news, my Biology301 professor is great- very accomodating and understanding. I made a B on the last exam! Whoo-hoo! Now, for the next exam, I plan on aceing it. I will actually study more like I need to for it. Hopefully. I plan on it. Actually, and I also plan on attending the classes for it- provided I do not get in another carwreck before class. I hope I do not at least! Oh well,.....I do feel like that class will go hopefully as I hope- to make an A or A+ for the class grade. That would be a nice change of pace for me and these classes and give me perhaps a little bit of a needed boost in confidence with all of this. In my other classes, right now, I just want to pass. I have that CSCE class, and the soon to be announced Sociology class hopefully, so to pass in those, I would be OK with. B's, nice. A's? perhaps. So, now, I just need to vent to Danny- but the phone is dead. So, I wait. AND, our fridge is full of leftovers, so I cannot exactly cook up something from scratch for dinner, well I could, but it would be impractical, so no stress-reliever there.
Oh well. and did I mention? Our house is a wreck.
Arg. I feel stretched too far and pulled thin.
I need to just take it one step at a time.
One step at a time,.......thank you Tonya.
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